I had never really written for myself until lockdown started. Prior to that my counsellor, through BWP, encouraged me to write a journal, but other than that writing was for work such as letters and reports. Work that had to be done definitely not for enjoyment.
But since I wrote that first piece “Do It Now” I haven’t been able to stop writing!
It just sort of flows out of me and I literally cannot stop until it’s done.
And the need to write just takes over like a compulsion that I cannot stop. Something happens, someone says something , I hear something music or someone says anything then that’s it I have to grab the nearest pen and start writing.
My handbag is full of random bits of paper with scribble on them. I have a major panic if I can’t find one.
Writing has given me a whole new focus in my life. It feels like I have found a part of me that I didn’t know was missing. Like I have found my inner voice that was silenced for so long but now I just want to broadcast all over the place.
I knew that I had hidden stuff deep down inside me and now it feels like I am digging out all the feelings that I couldn’t express then, but I can now. It’s things I had totally forgotten about . Sometimes I am not sure it’s my memory that is playing tricks on me but then something else flashes in my mind and I know that, yes that did happen.
I feel that my writing has helped me become myself, become a whole person, that I wasn’t allowed to be in the past. Writing has helped me conquer fears that I didn’t know I had but had held me in their grip my whole life.
Writing has set me free from the control that other people have had over me.
My writing has given me a purpose too. I want to tell the whole world ? not just about me and my journey, but to understand control, abuse and trauma.
I absolutely love my writing now. It fills a gap in my life that I didn’t know I had. I feel it’s completed me as a person. I have my knitting, crochet and sewing to fill my life with colour and beauty, family fill my life with love and my writing allows me to be me.
I love being involved with the literacy group as I love reading too. Hearing how other people think about things, their opinions and how they express things is fantastic. They are sharing things, not telling you how to do it, or that everything you do is wrong. When that’s all you have been told all your life it’s an amazing change in my life. People like my writing and they understand me, they don’t laugh at me or criticise me.
I have never felt so proud of myself when my poem was used for White ribbon day. If it helped just one person to realise about abuse, then that’s fantastic.
I just cannot believe that very soon on 28th February my words are being published in a book. Someone read my words and actually thought they are good enough to publish in a real book. I can’t get over it. I a, so excited.
I shall never stop writing, ever. My head is full of words and phrases that float around gathering momentum until whoosh 8 pick up my pen and off I go.
Thank you ladies for asking me to write a piece last year. If you hadn’t asked it would never occurred to me to write a poem ever. Writing has given me a whole new part of me that I never knew existed. Since finding it I feel like a whole woman, that my thoughts, words and opinions are worth something, not just to me, but other people too. Writing has given me my worth.
Author of: “Don’t Judge Me!/Christmas Tree/Mashed Potato“