Loneliness and Domestic Abuse
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved.” – Mother Teresa
Human contact including love, friendships, intimacy, family and a feeling of belonging are vital human needs.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow talked about a hierarchy of human needs and suggested the need for social contact was so strong it can override the need for safety, as witnessed by children clinging to abusive parents. When the human contact need is not met, people become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety and clinical depression.
Survivors of Domestic Abuse are at risk of feeling isolated.
It’s well known that perpetrators of abuse commonly isolate their victims from family and friends. What is less well understood is that family and friends will often ‘freeze out’ the survivor. A third dynamic that completes the isolation triangle is that survivors will commonly isolate themselves from social contacts due to depression, low self-esteem and a sense of helplessness that can accompany abuse.
When social isolation is so damaging to mental health and emotional wellbeing, it’s no surprise that survivors of abuse suffer so much, and often continue to suffer long after the abusive relationship has ended.
When suffering from fragile mental health in the aftermath of an abusive relationship, rebuilding severed social contacts can seem an almost impossible task. But to recover and successfully rehabilitate following abuse, it’s imperative for the survivor to rebuild her social circles and recover broken relationships.
“The world that I live in is empty and cold, the loneliness cuts me and tortures my soul.” – Waylon Jennings
There are various reasons for why perpetrators isolate their victims.
Excessive jealousy is a common trait in perpetrators of abuse. It’s linked to their belief that women are their property and need to be sexually controlled as given the opportunity, women will always go off with other men. These men sometimes physically restrict women by locking them in the house, when they’re allowed out they might find their movements are tracked and details of any social contacts made interrogated.
It sometimes becomes impossible for women in this situation to continue to work.
Another tact used to isolate is to be abusive or sulky and non-welcoming around family and friends so that it becomes much easier not to invite them anymore.
Abusive men also isolate women so that they are more vulnerable and easier to abuse in the absence of social support.
Isolated women will lose confidence and self-esteem and therefore become more dependent upon their abuser.
Isolated women also lose their sense of normality and are often successfully persuaded that the abuse is their fault, that being beaten up and imprisoned is normal in a relationship.
Perpetrators do all they can to weaken women in order to continue their abuse, and social isolation is a very effective way of breaking women down and adding to their vulnerability.
It might seem surprising that survivors are isolated by family and friends, but this too is a common dynamic that adds to the survivor’s distress. There are a multitude of reasons for why family and friends turn their backs. Most commonly it’s because they become frustrated that the survivor is not leaving the relationship despite being told they must. Common phrases trotted out are: “She’s made her bed she can lie in it” or “I’ve told her to leave and she won’t, I’m washing my hands of the problem”, “She keeps going back so in my mind she deserves what she gets”. Sadly, there is a common lack of understanding and a myth that a woman in an abusive relationship has a free choice to leave. If only it were that easy.
“I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why some people fill the gaps and others emphasize my loneliness.” – Anaïs Nin
When women are abused, they sometimes behave in ways that their friends find difficult, this can lead to others making negative judgments and severing friendships. Survivors will sometimes self-medicate with alcohol and recreational drugs, fail to keep a clean home, lose respect for themselves and their personal hygiene. They’re sometimes not able to provide good childcare and in some situations, particularly when they feel unable to leave the perpetrator, their children are removed from their care. When family and friends don’t understand the dynamics of Domestic Abuse, they tend to negatively judge and distance themselves from the survivor, justifying their lack of support by blaming her.
“It would be too easy to say I feel invisible. Instead, I feel painfully visible and entirely ignored.” – David Levithan
Perhaps the most insidious reason for the survivor to be frozen out by her support network is that perpetrators will deliberately manipulate family and friends so that their sympathies lie with him.
This situation particularly happens with children. The perpetrator will commonly ‘poison’ the children against their mother by telling them untruths, while overindulging them and setting no boundaries. When she’s lost the support of her children and often adult children too, the rest of her support network often quickly falls away.
Lastly, survivors themselves will often be instrumental in cutting social ties. Survivors will commonly suffer with depression and low self-esteem. Depression saps energy so that the effort required to maintain friendships can feel impossible. Low self-esteem makes women feel unworthy of keeping their friends. If still living with the abuse, survivors will often keep friends and family away as they’re not comfortable being seen with bruises or having others witnessing the reality of their desperate lives.
Reconnecting with family and friends following an abusive relationship is one of the most important steps towards recovery.
It can be a difficult process, especially if these former social contacts hold negative judgments about the survivor’s behaviour. With support, survivors can make progress towards building bridges and reconnecting with their old support networks and making new friends.
“Loneliness is my least favourite thing about life. The thing I’m most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me.” – Anne Hathaway
Because we understand so well the isolation caused by Domestic Abuse, Broxtowe Women’s Project works hard to do everything possible to help the women we support overcome these issues.
We provide a befriending service that is available to our women following outreach support. We also invite former service users to volunteer for us once their support has ended. We host many group activities, including reading group, coffee mornings, walking group and regular newsletters. All of these initiatives are effective in helping women make vital social connections to combat loneliness that abuse so often brings with it.
“Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close proximity with someone who has ceased to communicate.” –Germaine Greer
If you are concerned you are suffering abuse, or have left an abusive relationship and are struggling to cope with the aftermath, we at Broxtowe Women’s Project would like to help you. Call us on 01773 719111 or firstname.lastname@example.org
We understand Domestic Abuse, we understand the impact it has on survivors, and we can work with you to make things better.
Blog written by Sandra Reddish
Sandra hopes to reach thousands more women by sharing her wisdom in a new book One in Four Women, which is now for sale on Amazon. In the self-published book, Sandra shares her incredible knowledge of the vital steps to recovery for women who have been abused. Starting with their gaining a solid understanding of the complexity of abuse they’ve faced, and perpetrator’s behaviour.
If you have found this blog useful, and would like to support BWP in our work supporting survivors of Domestic Abuse, you can donate to us today through our Just Giving page. You can also comment or share this blog on social pages – tagging us in. www.twitter.com/broxtowewomen or Facebook.
You may also want to read these further blogs from Sandra.
- When he uses the child to abuse you.
- Stalking, harassment, electronic monitoring and Domestic Abuse – and how to stay safe.
- Sexual Abuse in Intimate Relationships.
- From historic patriarchy to toxic shame. Why do men become domestic abusers?
- Abusive Persuasion – guilt tripping, persuasive and manipulative tactics seen in Domestic Abuse.
- It’s not your fault. Self-blame and domestic abuse.
- Trauma bonding – why you can’t stop loving the narcissist.
- Is narcissism making you suffer? Discover the key signs of this manipulative abuse.
- What does financial abuse look like?
- Trauma, Domestic Abuse and steps to recovery
- Obsessive Love
This week is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week #SASVAW. Organisations that support survivors of abuse are sharing the important message that #ItsNotOk and to ALWAYS ensure you have consent. In this month’s blog post, author Sandra Reddish explains the life altering effects of sexual abuse and sexual violence on the victim-survivors. “It wasn’t … Continue reading Sexual Abuse & Sexual Violence