My Living Nightmare
At the beginning of 2018 when I was booked in for a surgery procedure, he said he could no longer cope with me. Told me I was hard work, called me ‘half a job’ when we were decorating the house. Told me over Christmas I had embarrassed him in front of his friends… so he broke up with me 3 days before my surgery. Told me I had to leave the house and that he wanted nothing more to do with me. His dad persuaded him to let me stay for 6 weeks after surgery because I couldn’t walk and I slept on the sofa. Then all the ‘I miss you’s’ started. “I love you, why can’t you be like this all the time…” – he wanted to get back with me. Again as I was getting better I had found somewhere else to live but he asked me to stay, told me loved me, that he was sorry, it was the stress of doing up the new house.
I then went away for a few days abroad with my girlfriends. I missed him, he missed me. I couldn’t wait to see him. He picked me up and he had a face of thunder. I thought he was going to kill me with his eyes. He had another go at me, I had yet again done something wrong, something that he didn’t like. Again, I apologised, pleaded with him, told him to stop being so paranoid. He then told me he was not going to take me to my brother’s wedding coming up. Two weeks previously, I had already missed my sister in laws hen do due to not doing as I was told, so he hadn’t taken me and it was too late to catch the train. At this point, I thought ‘when is this ever going to change? When am I ever going to be able to be me? When is he going to accept me?’
I went to my brother’s wedding alone. The night before I had again pleaded with him to come with me, but he refused. This time I was not going to rely on him and booked a train ticket and left without telling him. He had broken up with me again and I felt I owed him no courtesy. When he got home and realised I was not there, he called me -“I didn’t mean it, I was always going to take you, I am sorry, I am going to come down and make things right”. At that point my father took the phone out of my hands as he could see the awkwardness on my face and told him he was not welcome.
After the wedding, I had to come home. I told him that that was the last straw. I no longer wanted to be with him and told him I had met someone at my brother’s wedding. He hit the roof. He called me a slag, said no one would want me. I didn’t care. All weekend he called me, messaged me with the same old – “I am sorry, I’ll change, I love you and we can get over this”. I packed to leave, but again he wore me down, showered me with broken promises and I went back to him.
Things went from bad to worse; the phone checking, the accusations, the name calling, the pushing, the bruising, the watching my every move, the un-consensual, rough sex, the going out and not telling me where he was, the worry, the weight loss.
I was a lost cause. I had no energy, no confidence, no family, and no life. I felt suicidal. I was on medication for anxiety and depression. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t leave, it was too hard now. I had my dogs, there was no way I could leave them.
He then went one step too far; he wanted to take our dog to the pub and I said no because of the heat and football, I didn’t want rowdy men touching him in the pub. He threatened me and said it was his dog, he could do what he wanted. I felt scared, I didn’t want him to take him and I clutched him in my arms. This was when he had assaulted me. He had assaulted me before, but not like this. The rage in his eyes, he was so angry with me, he had the look of hate. I feared for mine and my dog’s life. I managed to escape with both dogs to the bathroom, but he had confiscated my phone, snatched it out of my hands. I had never been so scared or fearful for my life before. He eventually went out and I left the bathroom. Scared, fearful, lonely, isolated, what do I do?
This is a four part blog part three to follow……….
It was one of those cases where I got a chilled feeling when the lady who’d just been referred to me was describing her situation with her husband. I completed a risk assessment form (DASH) which we as outreach workers do for all new referrals. Her score was only medium risk, not supposedly serious enough … Continue reading Coercive Control