My Living Nightmare
My Living Nightmare.
Written by a BWP service user
I remember meeting him for the first time in 2017; cheeky grin, nice bum, tall and handsome. He gave me a lot of compliments, told me I was beautiful, asked me a lot of questions and paid a lot of attention to me. Things escalated quickly and within three months we were seeing each other most days and he convinced me to move in with him. At the time I was living independently, rode my bike to work and lived in an area close to shops, however he convinced me this would save money and we would be able to see one another every day. I thought nothing of it, I believed he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me.
I moved in and we had spent Christmas together, he came to my best friend’s wedding, things felt perfect… then his mood changed. I had been out with his brother’s girlfriend for dinner whilst he and his friends went out drinking. It was weird, he turned up where I was dining and saw that I was talking to another male. He looked at me in disgust. I could not understand why. The gentleman and his friend sat with us as there were two free chairs and just started chatting out of politeness. I instantly felt my stomach in my throat from the look he gave me, so I went over to him to offered to buy him a drink and he dismissed me in front of his friends. I felt so small, I hadn’t done anything and he did not give me the chance to explain. I went home with his brother and brother’s girlfriend, but he decided to stay out. That is when my worrying started. I messaged and had no reply, I tried to call and no reply. He didn’t come home.
When he came back in the morning, he told me it was my fault, that he saw me flirting with another man and had embarrassed him in front of his friends. I tried to explain and he would not allow me to. For the next two weeks, he ignored me. He would not look at me or wouldn’t speak to me; I felt like he was punishing me.
A week or so later I received a message on social media from a woman saying she had met my boyfriend the night we had been out after talking to him on tinder. She sent me screen shots of conversations and showed me he was still on tinder even though he was with me. He told her he had broken up with me that I meant nothing to him. She had contacted me because she had been cheated on in the past and had seen I was his profile picture on social media. I confronted him about this and he deigned the whole thing, tried turning it back on me that I was crazy. He tried to make out that it was from last year – how stupid did he think I was.
This was the first time I tried to leave. I told him I could not be with a cheat and looked for a new home. He begged and begged me not to leave, that he was sorry, that he was scared how much he loved me and that he would change. I forgave him because I believed and loved him. I had lost over a stone with the worry. I was just so relieved he wanted me back.
From there onwards things got a lot better. I fell deeply in love. He had my heart. He took me away for my birthday and we started looking for a house together. Everything was perfect.
I then found out I was pregnant but for some reason, I was anxious and scared about telling him. I was over the moon, but something in my gut told me he was not going to be happy and I was right. He hit the roof!! Told me he did not believe me and we could not keep it, and that he would leave me. He then booked an appointment at the doctors for an abortion and dragged me there. He came in with me which was so intimidating and told the Doctor to tell me that I cannot have a baby with epilepsy as I had recently started taking new medication for it. Eventually he wore me down and I had an abortion that I didn’t want to have in order to please him. I told myself, I love him. He loves me. We can have children another time once we have moved house and are more settled.
We moved house and things went from bad to worse. It was his mortgage, but I paid rent; he didn’t want to buy with me but convinced me to lend him money for the deposit. I did it because I loved him and believed we were buying a family home.
This is a four part blog part two to follow…………………………………
This week is Sexual Abuse and Sexual Violence Awareness Week #SASVAW. Organisations that support survivors of abuse are sharing the important message that #ItsNotOk and to ALWAYS ensure you have consent. In this month’s blog post, author Sandra Reddish explains the life altering effects of sexual abuse and sexual violence on the victim-survivors. “It wasn’t … Continue reading Sexual Abuse & Sexual Violence