Obsessive Love this Valentine’s Day

For women who have lived through domestic abuse, Valentine’s Day can trigger difficult emotions.

Survivors of abuse may feel more than just alone, the day can bring feelings of resentment, anger, and sadness. Confused emotions will also be felt when the perpetrator of abuse buys gifts and makes a big play of affection, attempting to put right the black eyes and humiliating put downs of the past year.

“When the devil offers you a rose, its petals are laced with poison.” – Matshona Dhliwayo

Perpetrators of abuse are skilled at manipulating emotions with insincere gestures.

These gestures are intended to confuse, like an intermittent reward system, you can never quite predict whether you’ll get a loving gesture or a cruel put down. This behaviour not only leads to insecurity, but like the slot machine offering unpredictable pay-outs, it keeps survivors hanging onto a destructive relationship in the desperate hope that good times will come again.

“You want to be free. You also want to be mine. You can’t be both.” ― Nenia Campbell, Crowned by Fire

Heathly Relationships

In a healthy loving relationship, we should expect to feel valued, respected and cherished by our partner on every day of the year.

Elaborate gestures of love made too early in a relationship can be warning signs that abuse might follow. Domestic abusers are very often exceptionally charming in the early stages of a relationship. They will make grand gestures to demonstrate their love, and sometimes appear too good to be true. As soon as the woman falls for them, they will have more control and abuse often follows.

This ‘love’ is fake, never real. Abusive men often enjoy controlling, humiliating, and punishing women. But to snare women in the first place, they need to put on a show of love. No one would entertain a relationship with a man who revealed himself as a monster from the first date. They are the super charmers as a means to an end, they are motivated to fast track the early stages, so they can quicker get to the point of total control. To women this is very confusing, they believe the early gestures were sincere and have difficulty understanding it was all a sham. Women will talk about how magical the start of the relationship was and believe that good times will come again. This can cause huge confusion and keep women locked into a toxic and abusive cycle.

“Somewhere between love and hate lies confusion, misunderstanding and desperate hope.” ― Shannon L. Alder

This Year

Whatever your feelings on Valentine’s Day, this year you might use it as an opportunity to remind yourself that you deserve to be loved not only by other people, but by yourself too.  Treating yourself with kindness and respect will also lay the foundations for stronger, healthier relationships with others. When you care more for yourself you can build strong boundaries that help protect you from people who may try to abuse. Caring for yourself is of vital importance to happiness and self-esteem. The way we treat ourselves has more impact on our feelings of self-worth than the way others treat us. Reflect on how you treat a good friend. Do you treat yourself with this level of kindness? If not, then there’s room for improvement in your self-care.

Even good relationships have ups and downs, it’s not realistic to expect a bed of roses all year round.

If, however you are concerned you are suffering abuse, or have left an abusive relationship and are struggling to cope with the aftermath, we at Broxtowe Women’s Project would like to help you. We understand domestic abuse, we understand the impact it has on survivors, and we can work with you to make things better.

Sandra Reddish

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